Friday, February 12, 2016

Great news, and my feelings of uncertainty

I'm spinning.  I've felt worse about the chemos--but the tumor isn't growing, is hanging out, right there as I breathe.  But not growing.  

I'm surrounded by people I love, and they're sending some good vibes my way.  I don't rejection those vibes.  But despite the vibes, my mind sometimes feels like is changing.  It's become who I am:  I'm a person who has a brain tumor, and whose professional is shifting.

Here's the good news--and it's truly good:  we went to Duke last Thursday, and my three experts said that my brain tumor isn't growing.  Gordana said that since I'm six months into this round of chemotherapy, a lack of tumor growth is a sign that it's going to keep working.  We don't know, but it's a good position.  Safe.

When I got out of the meeting, I wrote to all my family and close friends:
I just learned that my tumor isn't growing.  "All is well," said Sharon, one of my favorite medical people.  I'm very grateful. 
 I got the perfect, brief responses:
"Woot!!!" "Yay!!!" "Excellent news! I love you!" "I'm going to a lot to write about."  "I'll every moment." "Such wonderful news.""Savor every moment." Trey and Aaron emailed.  My dad and my mom shared such of what they'll to share their love.
I have no idea how Trey found this,
but it seems like it's celebrating.
I do love feelings like that, the ways that I'm surrounded by the people I love.  But my love is...a paradox.  I know I've been paradoxical, and I'm sure I'll say it again.  I feel so grateful, and also sad. Go back and read my post, what I sent to my team.  These readers send back a line of beautiful celebrations, because it's a big deal.  Having the Duke professionals share that the tumor isn't growing--this is great.  And I felt that relief!  But note that there are no exclamation points.  What does "All is well" means--that's calm.  "I'm very grateful."  And I was--I am.  At that moment, though, I wasn't excited.  I was grateful.

Paradox, right?  I'm grateful.  Feeling myself reaching out, but not with big hugs and laughter.  Grateful.  I'm getting both, but that means that I think we're in the middle.  Yes, this is great.  And yes, we don't know what to expect.

This week I had my Charleston chemo.  I've felt so tired that I've slept for two solid days.  This is normal.  The thing that I hated was that while I slept, I had nothing but nightmares.

But here I am.  Loving my daughter.  Taking my time this morning to finish my blog.  Awake right now, and it might allow me to do the things I'm doing at school.

I have nothing else to say!  But I wanted to throw things out there, since I haven't shared with you all for a while.