But right now it's kicking my ass.
I'm so tired. I feel like I could sleep much of the day. I could wake up to play with Maybelle in the afternoon and evening, but for the last today it's been a real question about whether I should go to bed at the same time that Maybelle does (7:30). Last night I went to bed at 8:30. Unfortunately, Maybelle decided that 5:00am is a great time to get out of bed, so I'm downstairs guzzling coffee. Coffee is delicious.
But I'm so tired.
Radiation therapy does't hurt, so that's a plus. But it's messing with my ability to talk. I can still talk and write, but it's clear to me that both are more challenging. For the last two days I've forgotten how to say certain nouns, and I've had to describe them to friends. My life is almost like charades (a word I had to look up before I could writing it here). This is a common reaction--nothing to work in a frightened way. And my friends are saying it's fine. But it's making me frustrated. Grouchy. Who the fuck am I when I have a difficult time talking?
I'm incredibly fortunate to have people come to stay with me. Thank you, Mama, Catherine, Eliza! I'm incredibly fortunate to have friends taking Maybelle for big chunks of Saturdays (thank you, Cindi). I'm incredibly fortunate to have friends who make food (thank you, Andrea and every body who delivers delicious dinners). I'm incredibly fortunate to have friends who take me for walks, go get my groceries, pick Maybelle up and take her to dance class and bring her down.
Etc. I can't list everyone. I have a group of supporters who are amazing. I'm grateful.
But I'm so tired. I foolishly agreed to assess two academic articles. What was I thinking? Last week I could have done it. This moment: no way. I'm having a hard time doing almost anything (although look: I'm blogging. I part this is because I plugged Maybelle into her iPad, and I'm trying to keep myself awake.)
So here's a positive picture:
Waking up at 5:00 in the morning is unacceptable, Maybelle!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see you blogging, even if it is to keep yourself awake. I'm sorry you're so exhausted.
Thank you!
DeleteWent through aggressive chemo for 5 months last year... I understand and empathize with the exhaustion (and yes I had to stop to recall the word "empathize") The good news is that this too will pass, and Maybelle will be none the worse for it (my daughter still asks to go out and celebrate that "you don't have cancer anymore"). The best advice I was given was that, as tired as you feel, make yourself do some exercise -- even just a few minutes (although I found that the hardest part was getting started). And continue accepting the generous offers of help from friends/family.
ReplyDeleteSending you all the love. Rest will lead to recovery and the words will find you again. xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteIn answer to your question about who the fuck you are: You are Alison Piepmeier. That's all you are, and all you ever need to be. We all love you.
ReplyDeleteIt's good to read your words, Allison, hear your voice and know that you're trucking on. You are very strong -- and I'm sure all those trite expressions provide little comfort, but I'm out here -- across the country -- rooting for you. And I'm serious about flying out to South Carolina and babysitting that Maybelle. She is getting so big and is just so stinking cute! I am grateful that you have one another.
ReplyDeleteSending you healing thoughts and energy vibes. Sleep as much as you need to and don't feel guilty about it. Mama's rest is sacred.
ReplyDelete